human doing

I'm a human doing.

As opposed to a human being.

I do far more often than I be. And when I am just "being", I am often overcome with guilt for not doing. I blame my mother, she's far worse than me. I measure my successes on the things that get done. I am disappointed when my doing isn't where I thought it should be. As if the being is not enough.

A friend of mine went on a retreat for something like 10 days. It was a meditative retreat where they sat and meditated for 12 plus hours a day. That is the ultimate in being. I am awed and inspired by that level of being, that pure volume of being all at once. About the only time that I am just being is at the end of the yoga class I love but go to very rarely. I would say that my level of "being" is about 15 minutes a month. Perhaps that isn't true. Perhaps sometimes i accidentally "be" when I am around the boy of complex description. He can have that affect, although I am often also petting a cat, a foot or an idea - so those are activities and therefore cheating.

All this doing, but it's never very big, you know. Just little, flimsy, skittery doings everywhere - do a little here, rush there, do a little over there, go over here, do a little... you get the picture. Perhaps I should make my DOINGS bigger and my beings more regular and consistent. It could be like breathing -

DOING being DOING being DOING being DOING being

Big DOING and some quiet being. That is my intention for this day.

Creative Inspiration Wednesday

Other people's travel journals inspire me to make my own. I have one overflowing, falling apart, stuffed journal that I go back to over and over again, reliving my adventures.

Friendship Love Sundays

This is my friend Jessie.

We have been trying to hang out for the last little while but conflicting work schedules and crazy lives keep getting in the way. I like Jessie because she's upfront, she says it like it is, but she's sweet and she's really easy to get along with. Jessie also inspires me to do more with my craft work because she gets so excited about it. Jessie dates my good friend Seth and they are moving to Halifax in May and I intend to visit this summer, most definitely. But this also means that Jessie and I have got to get our shit together and find a time to hang out because shortly it will become far more difficult to do that!

New Motivation

This blog started out being about getting outside more. Sort of as a push. I think, however, what I need to give myself more generally is motivation. As I get older, it seems harder and harder to maintain my level of enthusiasm about things. Why is this? Partly because I am a perfectionist, partly because I love new projects, partly because the feeling of being "trapped" in a routine makes me feel... well trapped. The irony is that my professional self is extremely motivated, organized and a fantastic "follow-througher". I make a list each day and work hard to complete it. Lately I have been letting the internet, mostly facebook, climb into my work day and steal pieces of it. This needs to stop. It will hurt for a while but I will be a stronger person for it and a more dedicated professional.

I love lists. I make lists for everything. i specifically love creative lists. I think that perhaps I will make a motivation list - a creative motivation - for the content of this blog. Based on days. Let's see....

Home Improvement Mondays

Fitness Tuesdays

Creative Inspiration Wednesdays

Outdoor Adventure Thursdays

Soul Inspiring Fridays

New Endeavour Saturdays

Friendship Love Sundays

Let's see what happens with those titles and if I can push myself to be more motivated. Hmmm today is Sunday - let's get started.

new spaces

This is the studio of elsie flannagan, of who i am a virtual fan. she has a boutique where she sells things that she has made and she has an inspiring blog that makes me feel like i want to be her. this is it: http://abeautifulmess.typepad.com/my_weblog/

Soon, you will get to see pictures of MY studio! My fantastic friend Benn visited on Friday and cleaned out, primed and painted the back bedroom of my house. I used to night dream in this room, but now i am going to day dream and create. I've never had a home office or studio. well, there was a craft room in my old apartment, but mostly benn and i just hoarded stuff there. I want this to be like a different world once you step in and shut the world out. somewhere i can create and never have to tidy up and make a presentable space. somewhere that my quilt patches can be free and my mystery novel can explode onto paper. somewhere that all my craft materials, books of ideas, knitting projects, sewing creations, etc. can all live together instead of on a bookshelf, in the garage, in the basement, in my sock drawer, in my purse, at my parents house...

These are some other beautiful home studios that i love...

Of tiles and paint and baseboards...

Sam and I have been living in our next great adventure for the last 3 years.

This nearly hundred year old house I bought has its own heartbeat, its own energy and changes all the beings that spend considerable time in it. I bought the house because of the feeling it exuded - in fact, the same day that I saw this house (which had not been tended to properly in nearly 50 years and is STILL in a constant state of renovation), I saw a house for the same price that was completely finished and beautiful, same size, the whole bit. But there was a chill that was caused by more than the contemporary design of the remodel. Something felt off in that house. Something I could not put my finger on and although the price and location were right, I refused to put an offer on it. My real estate agent didn't understand. My father did. When I told him that it felt bad to me, he ripped up the listing and we moved on. When we came to the house I own now, which had been listed for over a year and a half (an eternity in the real estate world at that time) and i exclaimed "This is the one!!!!" in the middle of the dirty shag carpeting and old floral walls, I thought my estate agent was going to have me committed. But commission is commission and ultimately the client's happiness is the goal, so we closed a week later and that dirty shag was all mine.

This house has changed a lot in the last 3 years. It existed as a community space for a long time. It's had many hands of love build it up and its fair share of people who have used it as a safe harbour. The shag is gone, the oak floor underneath exposed again after a 40 year hibernation and the rest of the rooms need some time and energy to bring them up to the original vision I had for them that first day I saw them. It takes a lot of compromise to live with multiple people, especially rotating groups of people, and I'm afraid that this beautiful house received the brunt of those compromises. It has served us well. But now the last roommate has moved out and yesterday I stood in the wide space of the front room (that has never been my room before) and promised this architectural matriarch that she would reach the full potential of her glory.

There's work to be done. There's adventures to be had (I've never even poked my head into my attic! what is up there??? perhaps the cats should go first!) and there's dreams to be realized. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the people that have given so much of their time and energy into this house. Now it is my turn to finish what I started that first day.

A whimsical bedroom
A sun bathed office
A western themed bedroom for the boy of complex description
A spa like bathroom
A country dining room
A languorous living room
A retro style kitchen
A guest apartment in the basement
A garage studio/gym
A cascading deck
A rockery, a vegetable garden and a water feature
A home

The king of my world

Sam is the king of my world.

He is the most consistent being in my life and no matter what i do, no matter how i feel that i fail him sometimes, no matter what is going on in my life, Sam believes in me whole heartedly.

In a blog that I follow, Cheeky Monkey writes about about how "we approach every experience hopelessly lost in the fog of our own perspective", that the meanings of words get lost in our past experiences and that once "you sail your words out into the world; suddenly, they are no longer yours to steer." Subsequently, saying what you mean doesn't necessarily communicate what you mean. I speak to Sam sometimes with made up words, strung together silly sounds and he always gets what i'm trying to say. The boy of complex description says that Sam speaks gibberish, but i think that Sam just speaks the language of my heart. It's true when Cheeky Monkey says "Words are tricksy. The real mystery is not our constant failure to communicate but the possibility that we are ever truly understood."

There are no conditions on Sam's loyalty. I am afraid of human love and loyalty with its conditions and negotiations. I'm so tired of trying to get it "right" with the threat of emotional blackmail when i don't. I want/need people in my life that get that the getting things right part is the intention part, the working it through part. And I have those people, of course I do. It's just easy to forget that when you're being held captive by your own insecurities about what other people think about you.

Defining yourself from the inside out. That's the secret. That's the core. And that's the only thing that will ever make you free.